Facebook Status: Adulting is like folding a fitted sheet… nobody really knows how.

Facebook Status: I need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

Facebook Status: I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me.

Facebook Status: My wallet is like an onion… opening it makes me cry.

Facebook Status: I’m not short. I’m just more down to earth.

Facebook Status: If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?